Do I look fat in this?

Do these jeans, this dress, this shirt, these shoes make me look fat?

This, friends, is the Kobayashi Maru of relationship questions.

Like the Kobayashi Maru, it is a no-win situation, a question with no correct answer. It is designed, consciously or unconsciously, to test you, to gauge your reaction, to take your measure.

The reason this is a no win situation is because by the time the question is posed to you, your significant other has already answered it. She (and I'm going to use "she" here because let's be honest, this is a question asked by wives and girlfriends, not husbands and boyfriends) has already looked in the mirror and decided the answer, and that answer is "yes".

For you there is no right answer to this question, no reply that gets you out the door and to the party, no response to which she simply replies "ok, let's go."

Let's say she does looks fat in that. You want to be honest, right? She asked you the question, didn't she? You don't want other people talking about how she looks unless it is to say how unbelievably and incredibly awesome she appears tonight.

So you say "yes".

Sure, if you are an idiot or a masochist, or just plain mean you say "yes". But even if it's the truth, the last thing she wants is for you to agree with her.

And don't think you can be crafty and say "yes" without actually saying "yes". It doesn't work that way.

INT, MANHATTAN APARTMENT - EVENING (circa 1999).

A young WOMAN exits the bedroom carrying two pairs of slacks. The MAN sits on the couch, waiting.

WOMAN (to MAN)

Which ones do you like better?

(This is code for "Do these pants make me look fat?" One of the pants makes her ass look square and dumpy. The other makes it look curvy and nice. The MAN picks the curvy pants.)

MAN

The second pair.

WOMAN

Why?

MAN

They make your ass look better.

WOMAN

What do you mean, "make my ass look better?"

MAN

(a little nervously now)

I don't know, they're more flattering.

WOMAN

More flattering? Why are they more flattering? Do these other pants make my ass look fat? So you're saying I'm fat.

This all happened very, very fast.

So you can't say yes... well maybe on the inside, but definitely not on the outside.

OK, let's say she does look fat, but there's no way you're gonna say "yes". So you say "no".

Smart, right?

Wrong.

She just looked in the mirror. If she didn't think she looked fat, she wouldn't be asking. Now you're a liar. She can't trust anything you say.

So don't say no.

What if she looks great? Super incredible fabulously smoking hot? "Do I look fat in this?" she asks. You, supremely confident in the truth, answer "NO"

Simple, right?

Wrong.

See above. If she thought she was rocking her outfit, she wouldn't be asking in the first place.

You? Still a liar.

So "yes" is wrong for obvious reasons and true or not, "no" apparently, is also wrong.

Maybe you try the smooth route. "Baby, you are the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world to me."

Just for the record, the "to me" is not going to help you here. She is supposed be the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world to you, so that's just stating the obvious. And "to me" also means that you don't care what anybody else thinks, and you don't care about her flaws, which to her are that she looks fat. You can leave off the "to me"... doesn't make a difference. It's implied.

Also, you sidestepped the question. And she will know that.

Maybe you will try to change the subject... "C'mon honey, hurry up we're going to be late." That's right cowboy, just crack the whip and put some more pressure on that little heifer. She's already feeling insecure, and now in her head it's "Ohmigod we're going to be late and I can't find a thing to wear and I'm so fat."

Actually, you can change the subject, but it has to be on such an epic scale, and so completely off topic that it renders the original question totally forgotten. This is when a monsoon or an earthquake in a foreign land comes in extremely handy. Barring that, I usually bring up something I was asked to do, but forgot. This list is endless, so I can usually mine a nugget that utterly shifts the paradigm, then whisk my lovely wife out the door as she's changing gears.

I'm also clumsy, so sometimes breaking a dish or a glass is effective. Injuring myself by falling down or bashing my finger with a hammer has also been known to work.

If all else fails, I suggest dinner at my parent's house.

That usually seems to do the trick.