I'm Just Saying...

I love New York.

I no longer live in the city, but I used to. And I do commute to the city five days a week. So unlike the tourists and the out of towners, I think I can consider myself a New Yorker. And like most people who live or work in New York, I've learned to deal with the minor inconveniences. You know, the cab that drives right by you even though his light is on and your arm is clearly raised.  The guy on the subway whose earphones are so loud he might as well not be wearing them at all. $4.50 for a Chobani at the deli by the office.

Yeah, I get it. It's the price we pay for living in the best place on earth. That said though, over the past couple of years I've more and more frequently encountered some quality of life offenses so egregious that I think something must be done.

Mayor Bloomberg, put these on your list:

Escaletiquette

The concept of an escalator is pretty simple. It's a moving stairway. It goes up or down. You can stand there until the ride is over, or if you choose to hasten the experience you can climb or descend the moving stairs. Over time, an escalator etiquette developed... slow traffic (i.e. standing) on the right, fast traffic (i.e. walking) on the left. For over a hundred years that arrangement worked out pretty well.  So when was it decided that this system was no longer in play?

I first noticed this a couple of years ago and I initially assumed that these "standers" blocking my way were tourists, unfamiliar with the ebb and flow of city life. And at first this was mostly true. But as time went on I noticed fewer fanny packs and brightly flowered jackets, less rucksacks and Danish overbites, and more suits, briefcases, and the black on black garb that is the uniform of NYC.

What happened? New York, had you forgotten yourself? Had the never ending influx of people who have no idea what they're doing or where they're going dragged you down to the lowest common denominator of "what the hell, I'll just stand here"?

Oh my goodness.  I shudder to think it.

Is that the sky up there?

Why are you standing there? Why the fuck are you just standing there looking up at the sky like a turkey in the rain?

This is the endgame of escaletiquette, the moment when the person in front of you gets off the escalator or reaches the top of the stairs, and then... just stands there.

HEY DIMWIT, THERE'S A SUBWAY STATION FULL OF PEOPLE RIGHT BEHIND YOU WHO NEED TO GET OUT OF THE STATION AND ONTO THE STREET!

I mean really, are you so oblivious to everything around you? Step to the fucking side for fuck's sake.

You missed the train, dumb ass

Lots of subway stations in NYC serve multiple lines, but many of them do not.  So there's only one train at a time that's going to enter or leave that station. Yet, I can't tell you how many times I'll get off a train with a hundred other people and get halfway up the the staircase only to find one desperately determined traveler pushing his way down, like a salmon forcing his way downstream.  As if shoving me down the stairs is somehow going to reverse time, like Superman flying speedily around the earth in the opposite direction, and make the train magically reappear in the station, just for you.

The train came.  A lot of people got off. The train left. You missed it.

Get out of the way and wait for the next one.

Where's the rest of your fucking foursome?

A walk down a New York City sidewalk on a rainy afternoon is like a stroll down a quiet country lane. Just you and nature, the birds tweeting, the rain pattering down on your outlandishly oversized umbrella and OH YEAH, A THOUSAND OTHER PEDESTRIANS PACKED SHOULDER TO SHOULDER TRYING TO MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN THE SIDEWALK BUT THEY CAN'T GET PAST YOU AND YOUR BIG ASS POP UP TENT.

You've probably been poked in the eye, forced off the sidewalk, or missed a train or a cab because you couldn't get around someone's gigantic umbrella. Did you know that some golf umbrellas are seventy two inches wide? Seventy two inches... that's six feet across! The sidewalks in NY are barely wide enough to begin with... then you've got to navigate a row of garbage bags on the curb side and the inevitable scaffolding that seems to permanently encase 60% of all the buildings in NY at any one time on the other. On a good day two of these umbrellas would take up the entire sidewalk.  On a regular day... forget about it.

Look at that black and yellow monster up there. First of all, it's just really aggressive looking. A little scary. It appears to be devouring the umbrella below it; the guy in front looks like he's hurrying to get out of the way. It's big enough to take up fully one whole side of the staircase and half of the other. How can anyone possibly justify that? Are there people truly so entitled that they don't care that anyone else has to traverse the same walkways as them?  Can they even see us? Do they simply believe that the world will just make way for them and their hang glider?

Mary Poppins' umbrella was less than half the size of this thing and she could fly all around London with it. Do us all a favor and fly the fuck away.

Please.