What a Charmer

The inner monologue of this cheap doofus really bothers me.

This guy looks to be about 30 years old, and this must be a first date because he doesn't seem to know much about the girl he's with. At 30 years old though, TGI Fridays is not where I'd be taking a girl on a date. Maybe when I was 17. But 30? Not so much.

Anyway, the girl says, "I'll have the green bean fries", and this douchebag thinks to himself, "Nice, a light eater. I'm getting off easy."

Green bean fries are a $7 appetizer at Fridays. Does this guy really think that $7 is the sum total of what he's going to spend on her dinner tonight? Oh, wait, $7.25 with the sizable tip this prince is sure to leave the server.

She continues, "And for my entree, I'll have the sizzling chicken and cheese."

He begins to panic. "Entree? Chicken... Whoa!"

"Chicken...Whoa." Really? It's not like she ordered a 2 pound lobster, you dick.

And finally, his date decides that "...for dessert, I'll have the cheesecake."

Wincing now, he whines, "What am I, a bank?"

Yes, you dumbass, you are a bank. You are the bank of $21.99, which is approximately what your date's meal would cost at a typical TGI Fridays.

After he realizes she's ordered from the special "3 courses for $12.99" menu however, he becomes relieved and happy.

He should be relieved and happy, relieved and happy that an attractive girl like this would even go out to dinner with a cheap loser like him. (Although if she continues to eat fried beans, cheese and cheesecake, she may not remain attractive for too much longer.)

I don't have a problem with Friday's. If you can get a 3 course meal at a sit down restaurant for $12.99, that's awesome.

No, the problem I have here is that the message (3 course meal for $12.99) is completely obscured by the creative, which is so far off base it's like casting Gary Coleman in The Shaquille O'Neal Story.

A $12.99 price point appeals to very young people or people with families to feed. Not 30 year old guys on a first date. So if this guy is a teenager, then this scenario makes sense. Maybe he's there with his date and her 3 kids. Then it makes even more sense. But if he honestly can't pony up the $45 that dinner for two at Fridays would cost then why is he there at all? Why didn't he take her somewhere else, like Pizza Hut? Or why not just ask his mommy for the money, since it's likely that a clueless loser like this still lives at home with his parents.

Look, not everyone can afford the fanciest restaurant in town. So if Friday's is the place you can afford for your dinner date, that's cool. But if you go there, you actually have to spend some dough on the girl. Because that's part of the point of the date in the first place. You have to let her see that she's important enough to you that she can order from the regular menu. But all this skinflint can think about is spending as little as possible on this girl and this meal.

I'm surprised he's not paying with a coupon.

You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

INT. JAKE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY (1950)

JAKE (to Joey)
What's that kissing on the mouth shit?

JOEY
What? I just said Hello. Since when can't I kiss my sister-in-law?

JAKE
Ain't a cheek ever good enough for you? I never even kissed Mama on the mouth.

JOEY
Well, you're not supposed to kiss your mother on the mouth.

JAKE
Well, that's what I mean.

This exchange, between Jake and Joey LaMotta, occurs around 3/4 of the way through the screenplay of 1980's Raging Bull. Afterward, LaMotta smacks around his wife and goes on to beat his brother into unconsciousness.

In 1980, this made perfect sense to me.

The kissing part, not the beating part.

I did not grow up in a family of mouth kissers. There were plenty of hugs and kisses, but the kisses were always on the cheek, which seemed right. A kiss on the lips seemed far too intimate for family.

And that's the way it was for many years. Until I had a baby of my own.

And everything changed.

After I saw that perfect little baby and held her in my arms, felt her warmth and life, heard the little squeaks and sighs she made as she squirmed around in her sleep, I just had to kiss her perfect little baby lips. Kissing her lips felt, in some way, more protective. Like it would keep her safer somehow. And she would know that Daddy was there to take care of her.

I figured when we got her home from the hospital and the new kid novelty wore off that I'd stop doing it. But I didn't. It felt perfectly natural, and come on, when it's your kids, they're irresistible. And those sloppy, slobbery, spitty kisses you get back are great. My wife also did it right from the beginning. My mother thought it was weird at first... now she kisses the kids on the mouth too.

Friends of ours have two boys, and their mother recently remarked to me that though she would miss it terribly, she was going to have to stop giving her boys the big smooches on the mouth she calls "movie star kisses".

So I know it's not just me.

Not every kiss is a lip kiss. There's plenty of cheek kisses too. Oedipus and Electra aside though, I know that just as our friend will kibosh the movie star busses, eventually I will have to stop kissing my kids on the lips. I've already pretty much stopped with my older one. But no matter how old my girls become, when I look at them part of me will always see them as those sweet, innocent bundles I carried home so gently and carefully from the hospital.

They will always be my baby girls.

So, did you kiss your mother on the mouth?

And do your kids kiss you on yours?

What, me Grammy?

Did you see Alfred E. Neuman on the Grammys last night?

I like music, but the Grammys is not a "must see" for me. It is for my wife though, so that means we were watching last night.

I'm glad we were, because when Jay-Z and Rhianna made their way to the stage to collect their Grammy for Best Rap Collaboration they were joined by none other than Alfred E. Neuman. That's right, Alfred E. Neuman of Mad Magazine fame.

Here they are, on their way to the stage...



Getting closer...



Ah ha!


He's a little shorter than I thought he'd be.